Trapped and Feeling Alone
Posted on 10 Aug 2023 @ 10:17pm by Lieutenant Commander Remington Dodd
985 words; about a 5 minute read
Dodd had been working hard and enjoyed the command of the ship when the Captain was injured and the Lieutenant Colonel was on assignment. He even found a way to mend his broken heart. Autumn was an amazing young woman and he felt connected to her even though she was not telepathic. He may have rushed into a relationship with her but he felt it was just what the doctor ordered.
However, he was finding the doors of his mind were really not a sealed as he thought. The memories of his Imzadi were stirring and making him have a mind of uneasiness.
To the point that when not required to be on duty, he resorted to holding out in his quarters alone and fighting a mental fight with not only himself but his emotions and memories.
"Computer, record a personal log for private reference only. Authorization Dodd Alpha Charlie Zero Zero Omega One Three." The computer then started to record and encrypted personal log that only he could open or the captain could open only if she suspected it would help in any unfortunate situation.
"I have been burying myself into my work and have lost all desire to seek pleasure or amusement. Autumn is a lovely specimen and a wonderful woman. I am glad to have found her. However, I am feeling strong regret as if I am cheating on Iria. It has been so long and not even a word from her. She was my reason for living and then she chose her cousin's care over our happiness. I felt sadness for a while and then enter Autumn into my life.
I know I still have a love for Iria and I think I always will, she was so special and we had a way with one another that it was a blessing to have her in my life. We wanted to have a family and then she found her cousin whom she thought was long gone. He needed her, I don't doubt that. However, I really wish we could have had more discussion about it. While I was devoted to her and our future, I wanted to keep my career as I love my job as well.
My mind was once opened to the mind of Donovan and that was a massive undertaking in its own right. I still have some snippets of her memories lurking in my mind as they have some basis in my memories as I can't forget what I saw in her mind to help her. I feel that the darkness that was in her mind has found a small opening in my mind and drag me into depression.
I have been trying to keep my work outs on going but I seem to find more of them happening in private when I am off duty and at the time I go when I know there will be less of the senior officers working out.
I am seldom enjoying the sweets I once did and found myself drinking more. Synthohol is not cutting it but I was able to get a couple cases of real Scotch Whiskey and now I am down to my last three bottles. I know it is not a substitute for the pleasures of life but it has worked to keep me functioning as the XO. I am certain Lamia is aware of my thoughts and may know of the darkness I am experiencing.
I have been keeping myself as busy as I can and that means not much time for spending with Autumn, but one day soon, that will be the perfect date for us. I know I will have the passion to be the man she has come to expect when we are on a date. Right now I need to wake up and realize I need help and find that help. There are desires inside of me that I need to act out and put behind me so I can make Autumn happy.
When one is depressed and having thoughts of sorrow and regret, it eats away at one's very soul and make them want to retreat and hide. That is what I have been doing and I am not sure how to turn this around. I know I am missing my friends and Autumn but I just am not sure how to fully shack the feelings and overcome the headaches and sensations that a shadow of my past is creeping into my present.
So I record this message as a means to document my ordeal and a means for helping me monitor my progress to get back to the man that is Remington Dodd, the man that was picked to be the XO of the Tomcat and the Man that wants to one day command a ship of his very own. The man that one day wants to be a husband and father and it starts here and now. Tell me what the future holds and I will tell you what dreams may come and I hope they are the same for all in my life."
"Computer, end recording and file for encryption for my records only." The computer then complied and stored the record in the file protected bank that only he and the captain could access.
Dodd hoped this would be a means to help him move forward as when one has an issue the first step is to admit it and then make it known to his loved ones and allow them to help motive him to making things better. He knows that those on the Tomcat whom are his family will never let him down once he can present this to them to help me be the better version of himself.
Remington S. Dodd