Goat Yoga

Posted on 13 Jul 2026 @ 2:23pm by Lieutenant Commander Leland Hawksley & Lieutenant JG Todd Hewitt & 1st Lieutenant Gavin Ross Dr.

1,861 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: S04 Episode 02 The Hackers Backdoor (Incidentals)
Location: Holodeck, Goat 01 Program
Timeline: Current

[ON]


The holodeck shimmered and the familiar grey walls of the USS Tomcat vanished, replaced by a green large expansive pasture straight out of an old Earth storybook. Rolling hills stretched under a bright simulated sun, wildflowers swaying in a soft breeze that carried the sweet smell of clover and fresh cut grass. Bees drifted lazy between blooms, their hum mixing with the occasional bleat from the seven mature goats already meandering around the small confined patch of mats where the yoga was about to happen. A low virtual stone wall kept the goats close without making the whole meadow feel cramped.

Todd Hewitt planted his hands on his hips and grinned at his two friends. He wore the same outfit as the others... khaki cargo shorts, a plain white t-shirt, and that chunky silver analog watch that looked like it belonged on a 20th century mechanic rather than a starfleet engineer. "Told you this would beat another boring afternoon in the lounge. Goat yoga. Real Earth stuff. Tiara here is gonna loosen us up better than any EPS manifold recalibration ever could."

Leland Hawksley, the burly Chief Engineering Officer, crossed his thick arms and gave the nearest goat a wary look. His grey t-shirt stretched across his shoulders as he shifted his weight.

"You said the same thing about that zero-g obstacle course last month, Todd. I ended up with a bruise the size of a phaser burn. Cass still teases me about it over subspace. She is probably running her marines through live fire drills on the Churchill right now... yelling orders and making them sweat while I am out here trying not to get headbutted by livestock."

Dr. Gavin Ross chuckled and adjusted the silver watch on his wrist. His khaki shorts already had a small grass stain on one knee from where a goat had brushed past him. "Thex would approve. She keeps saying I spend too much time hunched over medical reports. This morning she was elbow deep in a port nacelle diagnostic again... something about harmonic vibrations throwing off the warp field harmonics. Typical. I told her to step away from the console for five minutes and she looked at me like I suggested she eject the core."

A bright, slightly sing-song voice cut through thier banter. "Gentle cosmic travelers! I am Tiara Wegman, your guide into the sacred flow of goat assisted alignment. Find your mats, please. Sit however your magnificent starfleet bodies allow. We begin with simple breath... in through the nose, out through the mouth. Let the meadow fill your lungs. The goats may sniff your pockets. They are simply reading your energy fields... or looking for snacks. Both are valid."

The three men lowered themselves onto the thick mats with varying degrees of grace. A spotted goat immediately wandered over to Todd and began nibbling the hem of his cargo shorts.

"Hey... personal space, buddy," Todd said, trying to shoo it without standing up. "Those pockets hold my lucky hyperspanner replica. Not goat food."

Leland snorted. "Look at you already negotiating with the local wildlife. Some engineering specialist you are. Thex would of had that goat recalibrated and back to work in two minutes flat."
Gavin settled into a cross legged position, though his knees protested loudly. "Speaking of Thex, she mentioned Maggie might swing by engineering later to check on that new fighter interface she helped design. She is doing simulator runs all day, right Todd? Evasive pattern testing or something?"

Todd nodded, finally managing to get the goat to move by offering it a simulated flower from the edge of the mat. "Yeah. She said if the new maneuvers test clean she wants to celebrate with that Risan sunset holonovel we started last week. Engagement planning is alot of work when both of you live on a starship. Last night we argued for twenty minutes about whether the cake should have real frosting or just replicated. She wins every time. I do not even fight it anymore."

Tiara drifted between them like a breeze herself, her voice calm and oddly soothing even when a goat tried to chew her tunic hem. "Now come to all fours. We flow into cat cow. Arch the back high like a frightened kitten... then melt it low like a happy cow in this very pasture. Feel the lovely stretch along the spine. Imagine every plasma conduit you have ever tightened simply... loosening."

The three burly men moved into position. It was not pretty. Leland's shoulders bunched tight, Todd's elbows locked, and Gavin's back made an audible pop that made all three wince and then laugh.

A brown goat with impressive horns decided Leland's arched back looked like the perfect bridge and stepped right onto it.
Leland grunted but held the pose. "This... is not in any medical or engineering manual I have ever read. Tiara, your assistants are trying to perform an unscheduled hull inspection."

Tiara only smiled wider. "They sense where the tension lives. Breathe into it. Let the goat be your mirror. Feel the release... warm and heavy... like stepping out of an EV suit after a long shift."

Todd was shaking with silent laughter as another goat flopped down beside his mat and began licking his watch. "Gavin, you are actually decent at this. Must be all that dodging medical emergencies. Meanwhile I feel like my hamstrings are welded shut. Leland, how is the long distance thing with Cass going anyway? She still sending you those encrypted marine workout vids to keep you honest?"

Leland eased out of the pose as the goat hopped off, then shot Todd a look. "She is. Keeps me from getting soft. Last message said the Churchill is running low on some specialty parts and she is fighting with supply about priority. Typical command headaches. I told her we are doing... this. She replied with a laughing emoji and a warning not to let any goats near my combadge. She knows me too well."

They shifted into downward facing dog at Tiara's gentle instruction. Three pairs of boots pointed at the simulated sky, three backsides in the air, three sets of burly arms trembling just a little. A white goat wandered underneath Gavin and gave his nose a curious sniff.

"Do not even start," Gavin warned the animal, voice strained.

"Thex already thinks I am too flexible for a doctor who sits all day. If she saw this she would never let me live it down. She was grumbling this morning about a new ensign who keeps routing power through the wrong relays. I reminded her she was that ensign once."

Todd's arms were starting to shake harder. "My shoulders are screaming louder than a red alert klaxon. This was supposed to be relaxing, man. I am never living this down if Maggie finds out I suggested it. She will put it in the wedding vows or something."

Leland let out a short bark of laughter that almost collapsed his pose. "You are the one who booked the program, Hewitt. Own it. Besides, Cass would pay good latinum to see the Chief Engineer of the Tomcat getting schooled by a goat. She would probably join in just to show us up."

Tiara's voice drifted over them again, unruffled. "Wonderful. Now rise slowly into warrior one. Front leg bent, back leg strong, arms reaching like you are greeting the sun... or the nearest starbase. Feel the power move through you. The goats may test your balance. That is their gift to your practice."

They stood. Or tried to. Warrior one looked more like three slightly panicked starfleet officers trying not to fall over while goats circled like tiny four legged inspectors. One particularly bold goat bumped the back of Todd's standing leg and he wobbled hard, arms pinwheeling.

"Son of a... goat!" Todd yelped, catching himself. "That is it. I am writing a strongly worded letter to the holodeck safety committee. This is hazardous duty."

Gavin was holding his pose better but sweating through his grey t-shirt. "You are the one who wanted authentic Earth experience. This is authentic. On old Earth they used to do this with actual animals. Thex looked it up once. She said it builds character. I told her she was that ensign once."

Leland managed to stay steady, though a spotted goat was now using his front foot as a scratching post. "Character is also built by not laughing when your friends are getting owned by farm animals. Cass always says the best crews are the ones who can laugh at themselves. Right now we are giving her plenty of material for when we talk next."

They moved through a few more poses... tree pose where balance became a group joke as goats kept wandering into personal space, bridge pose where one goat decided Gavin's stomach made an excellent resting spot, and a very wobbly attempt at warrior three that ended with all three men on the mats laughing while the goats looked on like they had planned the whole thing.

By the time Tiara guided them into a final seated forward fold, the sun was lower in the simulated sky and the bees had grown quieter. Sweat glistened on thier foreheads. Cargo shorts were grass stained. T-shirts clung in places. The chunky silver watches had all fogged slightly from the effort.

Todd flopped onto his back, one arm thrown over his eyes. "Okay. I admit it. That was... something. My back feels looser than it has in weeks. Do not tell anyone I said that. Especially not Maggie. She will never let me forget I got shown up by a yoga instructor and her goat crew."

Leland stayed sitting, rolling his shoulders with a satisfied grunt. "Cass is gonna love hearing about this. She keeps saying I need more hobbies that do not involve tools or consoles. This might actually qualify. Long distance is easier when you have stupid stories to share."

Gavin sat up slowly, a goat having decided his lap was prime napping territory. He scratched behind its ears without thinking.

"Thex is probably still in engineering. I should go rescue her before she works straight through dinner again. This was good, though. Weird... but good."

They shared a round of back slaps and shoulder punches, the easy physical language of men who had served together long enough to know exactly where the bruises would land and not care. Then they headed toward the holodeck arch, already arguing about whose turn it was to pick the next off duty activity and whether it would involve fewer animals this time.

Behind them the goats bleated once in what sounded suspiciously like farewell, and the simulated meadow kept on being beautiful and quiet and very far from the cold vacuum of space....


[OFF]

 

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